Do you have your spouse's back?

I was watching a reality TV show the other night. I kind of hate to admit it, but I got sucked in watching it. My husband even sat down and watched it with me (he got sucked in with the women at work talking about it all the time...:)) It was the Bachelor. And I am not going to name all the reasons I don't believe I should really be watching it - cause I want to share something really cool that I realized during the show.

Going back to the list of things that I'm trying to work on - trying to be better at - and one of those things is being a better wife. My husband and I have been married for just over 6 years now and have had our ups and downs. Not unlike most marriages, but many things we have been through have been difficult, painful, and down right tough to deal with. We have been close to divorce twice, separated a few times, but I am happy to say with God's help, we remain together and have two beautiful children together because of Him.

So, back to the Bachelor... Jake is a pilot that got "rejected" by Jillian Michaels the last Bachelorette (who had been rejected by Jason, the last Bachelor, who was rejected... and so on, maybe you know how that goes with the show) I keep telling myself, if they would have a "new" person, I could STOP watching! hehe... So, Jake, he is trying to find his wife this time around, and he is out with one of the girl's named Tenley. He asks her some questions and then she asks him a couple, one of which is something like, "What are you looking for in a marriage." Jake's response got me (not got me like "You had me at hello") but got me, made me think.

Anyways, He said something like, "I want to find someone who has my back. I am not perfect and I am going to make mistakes, but it's important to know that she will always have my back." I immediately thought to myself what that meant or looked like.  He said he wasn't perfect and he made mistakes and he wanted to know that his wife would have his back.  To me, it seemed that he was asking that when he makes a mistake or does something he isn't proud of he doesn't want his wife sharing it with the world, or making him look bad.  Have his back, keep his indiscretions secret, his mistakes between them.  She allows him some grace to be human and mess up from time to time. I knew at that moment that I haven't always had my husband's back. I haven't always held his indiscretion's and poor choices to myself.  I have exposed him, I shared those with people, sometimes too much, sometimes too often. I didn't look at it at the time that I didn't "have my husbands back."  I was hurting, I wanted someone to know what I was going through, I wanted help really, but had no idea how to go about getting it. Instead of running to God I was running to others.  

So, after this big revelation I was sitting in bed and I turned to my husband (who kind of had his back to me in the bed) and I said to him (while starting to cry) "I am sorry that I haven't always had your back."  He didn't see the tears strolling down my cheek before he started to make some smart comment about the show and then he turned to me and realized I had tears and he said, "Oh, I am sorry."  I told him that I really hadn't ever realized that before, that I didn't have his back.  He thanked me and hugged me real tight.  I knew it meant a lot that I said I was sorry, that I realized that I had not allowed him to mess up and be human.  It doesn't wipe away what I have already shared, but it sure does help in his trust in me for making mistakes in the future. 

Do you have your spouses back?  Do you know what that looks like? I think of our wedding verse. 

Ecclesiastes 4:12

A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer.  Three are even better, for a triple braided cord is not easily broken 

When you have your spouses back, you stand back to back - fighting off the enemy that has come to destroy your marriage.  You go to the Lord, who is the third strand in your marriage and you ask Him for help.

Now, I feel the need to clarify one thing.  I am sure there are women who are thinking, you mean I can't tell anyone what is going on in my life?  I can't share anything my husband has done?  I believe that we are called to share with one another, to help one another, the bible tells us to speak the truth in love and to teach each other and all that.  So I am not saying that you should never seek some Godly wisdom and advice from others.  In fact I encourage it.  But I will warn you to choose carefully who you are going to share your stuff with.  I encourage you to share with someone that is FOR your marriage, that is going to encourage you in your marriage, who believes in the value of marriage and will help encourage and not be on your bandwagon to bash your husband. I believe that if it hadn't been for a few Godly women in my life, I would have ended up in another divorce.  I believe that it is their prayers, their encouragement, and their guidance that helped get me to understand how important it is to go to God with everything.  He is the one who can change your circumstance.  He is the one who can change a heart's condition in a marriage.  So, first and foremost bring your troubles and your struggles to God.

And, give your husband a safe place to fall.  Let him know that you have his back!

Blessings, 

Conclusion - A Fruitful Life

Let's recap on our Fruits of the Spirit. The Fruits are: Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self-Control. Who produces these Fruits in us?  The Holy Spirit produces these Fruits in us.  And it is our job to make ourselves available to that the Holy Spirit can dwell and work in us.


In the conclusion of this book Lizabeth shares a story of a woman who died at the age of 48.  A woman she did not know all that well but felt compelled to attend her funeral.  It was at her funeral that she learned of the wonderful legacy this woman had left.  The way she treated others and the kind words spoken at her funeral gave her a sense that this woman had displayed the Fruits of the Spirit in her life.  


What kind of legacy would you leave right now?  Are you pleased with the treasures you will leave your family?  Or are there some areas that you really would like to work on?


As you go about your days and you work on becoming more like Christ remember these Fruits and allow the Holy Spirit to change you.


Love~ Love is unconditional.  Not a feeling but an action. The way you treat someone


Joy~ Finding Joy in all things, even through the storms of your life


Peace~ Finding contentment in your situations. It's a lot like rest. Resting in the Lord's hands


Patience~ Waiting on the Lord's timing and surrendering your plans to Him


Kindness~ showing kindness to those around you; your neighbors, your friends, even your family. Kind words lift a Spirit


Goodness~ Not just a state of being - a state of doing.  Good deeds - those tailored to others


Faithfulness~ Staying true and hold yourself accountable to that which you value - keep promises and stay loyal


Gentleness~ requires you to hold your strength and tongue sometimes. Be careful HOW you say things

Self-Control~ resisting temptations and having self discipline. Saying yes and no when you need to


I pray that you were blessed through this study.  I would love for you to share with me what God has done in your life through this journey and look forward to more studies to come!


May God Bless You


Cindy

Chapter 9 - The Fruit of the Spirit is Self Control

Self Control.  Our final fruit of the spirit.  May very well be the hardest one to cultivate in your life.  Have you ever said you were going to go on a diet and then couldn't do it, you gave in to the temptations to the foods you love.  Are you a parent with kids who act up and you find yourself losing your patience and having no self control? 

Lizabeth says, "In many ways, self-control seems foundational to a fruit-bearing life.  I can't imagine being able to experience and display love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness and gentleness, if I had no self-control." She goes on to state, "That means submission is the key to a life that reflects the character of Jesus to this hurting world."

What does submission look like to you?  I hear so often that when many women hear the word submission the back on their neck stands on end and they visualize being a doormat to a spouse.  Well, Lizabeth tells us that submission is, "setting aside my selfish urges and asking the Lord to help me show restraint regarding my impulses, emotions, and desires.  It looks a lot like pruning - and I'm the plant, not the gardener."

Self control and temptation seem to go hand in hand.  You need self control to help you through the temptations.  Jesus was tempted several times.  Before his death he was approached by Satan, who tried getting Jesus to fall, to slip up.  But Jesus had self control.  He again is who we look for in figuring out what that looks like and how we obtain it.

How does Satan tempt you?  How do you handle that temptation?  Liz tells us that the temptations people have today usually fall into three categories.  See if any of these fit for you; fulfilling the physical appetite, meeting the desire for personal gain, and providing an easy path to power and glory.  She goes further to state, "Sensual satisfaction, wealth and fame, and success are the hallmarks or our driven, contemporary society, and temptation often trumps the game of self-control."

So how do we find self control?  Well, the short answer is giving your desires to the Lord.  Ask Him to help you in your daily life and to teach you how to have self control. 

Psalm 37:4-6
"Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun."

If our desires line up with God's desires for us then we will surely find delight. The tough part can be in realizing that our desires may not be God's desires. We have to align our will with his and if we do everything will happen naturally.  Liz says, "we won't have to force ourselves to do the right thing when his Spirit guides our steps. We will be able to live as people to the light."

In what areas do you struggle with self-control?  Lizabeth suggests we make a list.  She says that it may involve physical addictions and habits such as overeating, anorexia and bulimia, or alcoholism. Perhaps it is emotional issues like anger management or depression. Maybe you want to incorporate healthy spiritual habits such as Bible study and regular prayer time with God, but you find yourself not being consistent. Maybe it's gossip or criticism or a spirit of unforgiveness you struggle with. What ever it is for you, jot it down, pray and ask God to help reveal areas for you.  Give that list to Him and ask for help and guidance in those areas.  Ask for freedom from any bonds, any addictions, and ask for the strength to make good choices.

I like the part where Lizabeth shares Proverbs 25:28.  It says "Like a city whose walls are broken down is a man who lacks self-control." She says, "When a city's walls are broken down, it is susceptible to attack. Think about the results in your life when the walls of self-control break down."

Our greatest strength against attack is the word of God.  We need to armor ourselves with God's truths and God's promises.  If you haven't read much of the bible, it's okay, but get a bible, open it, and read some scripture.  I promise you will be pleasantly surprised as to the wonderful stories and the love that pours out to us all. We need to memorize it so that when things attack us we are ready and can shoot those fiery arrows back at Satan who wants to destroy us and any happiness or self-control we have in our lives. 

For example: when Satan tries telling you that you are weak and you cannot think for yourself.  You shoot back 2 Timothy 1:7 "For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love and self-discipline."

When Satan tells you you can't do something, that you are weak, you shout back Philippians 4:13 "For I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." 

Write scripture on note cards if you have to.  Place them around your house or carry them with you.  Read them, study them, learn the scripture.  Don't worry to much about word for word, but about what the scripture is telling you so that when Satan is attacking you with a temptation or a lie, you can come right back with the truth.  8 years ago I hardly knew anything about the bible.  I knew a few stories a had heard the few times I went to church, but I certainly didn't know ANY scripture by heart.  I am no bible expert, and I still have to look up scripture verses if I am quoting word for word, but I certainly have used scripture to fight off the enemy and to gain confidence and learn self-control.  I haven't got it down perfectly, but I certainly know it works.

1 Peter 5:8
"Be self-controlled and alert.  Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour." 

2 Peter 1:5-7
"For this reason make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness knowledge; and to knowledge self-control; and to self-control perseverance; and to perseverance godliness; and to godliness brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness love." 

Isn't it cool how many of the fruits of the Spirit are listed and they tie in with one another.  Like I had mentioned in a previous chapter - if you exhibit one, it is likely that you exhibit other fruits as well.

Having self-control really does seem like a very important fruit to work on.  And if you can have self-control, it certainly may help you with many of the other fruits of the Spirit.

Questions for you:

1. Where and when do you find it hardest to demonstrate self-control? Which areas of your life represent the battleground?


2. When have you experienced victories of self-control? To what do you attribute those successes?


Be watching for those temptations.  Be ready for how you will handle things.